Unhurried Conversations

This past weekend I traveled up the road for two hours to my hometown. I was there to visit my Mom and help her with some tasks. We’re at the stage of life where I’m now the trustee of all her financial decisions. Quick note – my mom is 84 and is in excellent health !! She is far more active than most people I know.

I know whenever I visit there will be places where I can lend a hand. I love doing it and am grateful to have such a healthy relationship with my mom. I’m fortunate to say I have healthy relationships with my extended family. I tend to see more relatives from my mom’s side, but it’s true with my stepdad’s side of the family too. My relatives from my biological dad’s side of the family are scattered all over the globe. We connect every so often and it’s wonderful as well. I don’t take this for granted. I’m well aware of many people who don’t have healthy or strong relationships with those in their lives. It touches my heart and I wish it wasn’t the case for anyone.

Mom and dad have had some rental homes for decades and she’s trying to get them sold now that my dad passed in 2020. So, after signing papers at the local law firm’s office, meeting the new landlords, and signing papers at the local bank, we squeezed in some other errands and items she wanted to be attended to. The entire time I was with my mom we were talking. We talked about the work at hand, my job, my wife’s job, our kids, and life in general.

There has always been an ease in talking with my mom. This is not only true with me and our family, but with every person she encounters. It’s almost as if you feel compelled to share openly with her. No matter who she’s with, they get her full attention and interest. She never states something and then moves on before a response is given. Time seems to stand still for her when it comes to other people. Even though she has the next “thing” to do, the person engaging in a conversation with her would never know it.

The best time where we chat is over meals. There’s a regular cadence of getting the meal ready, saying a prayer over the food and for things happening in our lives, and then we dig in. She may be one of the best cooks on the planet. I know I’m biased, but her home cooking is always on point. We talk and talk even though we know other tasks need to be addressed later in the day. And, of course, you end with a dessert of some sort because she has the most enormous sweet tooth. Saying “no” isn’t even an option.

After a magnificent dinner of Irish Stew, we cleared the table because my aunts and uncles were coming over for the Friday night tradition of playing dominoes. My aunts and uncles are also in their 80s now. They didn’t know I was visiting and there was true joy, warm embraces, and a gentle kiss when we saw each other. I headed into the dining room to start playing when my mom grabbed my arm and said, “We visit first.” So, everyone went to the living room and an unhurried conversation ensued. It was glorious !!

We covered the obligatory “catch-up” items since we don’t see each other regularly. Then we easily transitioned to talking about what was happening in their lives. I was a keen observer who chimed in every so often but spent more time listening and enjoying hearing them share with each other. There was laughter, friendly poking at each other, and also updates on concerns about the health of family and friends. (Remember, they’re in their 80s.)

After about 45 minutes, my mom said, “Well, Steve was hopeful he’d get to join in our weekly dominoes game.” And, it was on !! How cool is it that I got to play a game with my mom and my aunts and uncles? There are 13 rounds in a full game of Mexican Train and I hadn’t laughed so hard during several ooh’s, aah’s and “Why did you play that there Steven?” The game flew by and we ended with the mandatory dessert and coffee. We had cherry pie for Februcherry (insert groan here) and vanilla ice cream.

The unhurried conversation flowed throughout the hours while we played the game. It was a thread keeping everything knit together. The ribbing of who was in what place was also wonderful. I ended up in 4th place out of the six of us and it didn’t matter at all. Having meaningful time with my family was what mattered.

The time at home was a reminder of the value of slowing down, paying attention, and enjoying each word that is spoken and shared. In our world, we spend far too much time sprinting from task to task like a giant pinball. Nothing, and no one, gets our total focus or time because we tell ourselves if we dare to alter our lightspeed life, then our world will fall into utter chaos.

IT JUST ISN’T TRUE !! (and it never has been)

I don’t know how long or how many times I’ll get to see my mom and aunts and uncles over the coming years in the future. I hope there are many more times versus fewer. We’re not guaranteed a certain amount of time on this planet. I wish we were, but it’s a true unknown.

Since that’s our reality, I’m going to be more conscientious and spend my time like I did this weekend. I’ve learned from my mom. I cherish unhurried conversations and do my best to have them with everyone every time we meet. Nothing is more important to me than giving others my time. Nothing.

This week slow down. You can and you should. There is an unhurried conversation waiting for you to initiate or join in. Life is too short to miss these. Be unhurried.

So That

I was recently thinking about my dad. He, unfortunately, passed away at the end of 2020 after a fall and a brain bleed. I miss him for many reasons. One of the biggest things I miss the most is hanging out and chatting with him. He had a razor-sharp wit and loved to recite quotes he had memorized. We would tussle each time we had a conversation. It was friendly banter which always led to meaningful discussions.

My dad spoke often about leadership. He admired when he saw good leadership in practice. He also didn’t tolerate weak or poor leadership. He understood how a strong leader could positively impact a group or organization. I agree with him. The challenge is that there are so many approaches to what leadership is and how it can look.

I believe leadership is most effective when people are given context and can see what lies ahead. This type of approach is not focused on any one person. It’s focused on the action given. It’s an example of “so that” leadership.

My wife has always liked to have a clean, organized house. I appreciate that and concur even though I tend to be more of a cluttered person. One of the daily activities we do to start the day is to make our bed. I know people reading this will counter and give reasons why this is not needed or even a waste of time, but it gives her serenity and order. When our kids were young, our daughter dutifully made her bed, but our son . . . not so much.

This simple household task turned into a point of contention because Josh didn’t see any reason to make his bed. Whenever Debbie would ask him to do it, he’d dig in his heels ready to confront and launch into a diatribe filled with objections. It was easier to walk away from the argument instead of fighting to get him to do this task.

One day, I pulled him aside and decided to talk to him about the bed making. I told him, “Josh, do you know why I make our bed with mom?” “No. It’s stupid,” he retorted. “Not really,” I shared. “You see, I make our bed so that she starts her day in a great way. It gives her a sense of order and that’s important to her.”

He told me understood . . . and then . . . didn’t make his bed. Ironically, when he moved out on his own he started to make his bed. He told me it gave him a sense of peace and order. Huh !!

“So that” leadership is easy to incorporate into how you work. Giving others a simple reason for the direction and decisions you’re making takes little time or effort. We tend not to do this and we get the same reaction my wife got from our son. Without context you invite confrontation. Wouldn’t your day go better if you took the few moments it takes to give others context?

This week, start using some “so that” leadership yourself and teach others how to do it as well, and see how much smoother your day goes. Trust me. You’ll find people you once viewed as challenging soften and consider taking the action you suggested. Give your people the “why” so that they feel they’re aware of your expectations. (See how easy this is ??)

The Next Step

Our lives are ever-moving. We try to maneuver through a flurry of activity and make it seem like we have it all together. Internally we are bound in knots because just as we feel like we make progress in one area of life, we get upset that another area slips. It can be overwhelming and feel like you’re trying to run in quicksand. Add to this the fact that every person walking around you feels just like you do.

We tend to do one of two things in reaction to this hurried pace. We either suffer and complain about the state we find ourselves in, or we add more activities. It seems odd we’d choose to take on more thinking everything will balance out. The math doesn’t work. Living in a state of hurriedness is neither healthy nor sustainable. Few of us, however, do much to combat it. If anything, we supplement this rapidity with caffeine, poor eating habits, or worse.

There’s nothing wrong with living a robust and full life. It would be fantastic if that was true for everyone as long as it would be filled with activities that brought us joy. This includes the work we do. We can’t get torn up about our jobs because we need to work. Now, our jobs could be difficult and challenging for many reasons. We could have managers who make work miserable. You may need to change where you work and who you work for, but you’ll still do better having a job.

There’s another facet that impacts our life journey. Too many people look to try to determine the end of what they’re facing. You’ll hear terms like “work with the end in mind.” It appears to be an optimistic, forward-thinking aspiration, but when you feel out of control you can’t see an end to anything. So many moving parts and so many people vying for your time and attention lead to people getting more stuck than moving in any distinct direction.

I’ve always been a person who is involved in a multitude of endeavors at the same time. I usually have multiple projects moving at work, a list of to-do’s at home, keeping up with several different groups of people on social media daily along with involvement in my church and civic organizations. This doesn’t include regularly writing a blog and trying to compose a third book on HR. Those are just a few of the things I am doing. Nor does it include what’s also happening with my wife, kids, and extended family.

It sounds like there’s too much happening in my life, but this is “normal.” I’m sure it’s the same for you. I rarely feel like I’m sinking though because my focus is not on the end of the activity – it’s the next step.

You may think this is short-sighted, but I beg to differ. Having a “next step” approach keeps me moving at a regular steady pace. I don’t take one step and then freeze. The first step leads to the next step then the next step and the next step, etc. Doing this allows me to maneuver from one area of life to another since each one involves the next step of one kind or another.

One “next step” may require a high level of energy and intensity while another may call for calm. A next step could be to pause and reflect, or it could mean concerted time for an extended period. The key to all of this is simple – stay at a next step pace on a regular basis. It’s more important to experience consistency than it is to wallow in a state of hustle and bustle.

This next week make the decision to get off the unending treadmill. Be assured you can still be involved in as much as you choose, but determine what the next step will be. Then take it.

A “New” Year

It’s hard to believe it’s the year 2023. It truly is. The fear and pandemonium of Y2K are now two decades behind us. Sure, there continue to be significant shifts of global magnitude which throw us, but we’ve made it. It will be interesting to see what another year brings to each of us.

It’s ironic that we expect a drastic alteration to all facets of our lives when the calendar moves from December 31st to January 1st. It’s as if we hope for some imaginary switch to flip in the universe and then anything which is less than where we’d like gets magically fixed. I wonder who created this mindset. I understand there will always be things to improve in all areas of our lives. The movement of one day to the next will not automatically make that happen.

I don’t mean to be negative in looking at this. I consider myself an optimist in most things and with most people I encounter. I believe in humans now more than ever. Looking at all we’ve been through, it could be easy to see the worst in people. Some have even earned some consideration to lose faith in them. However, it’s because of this tendency to think the worst that I want to offer a better, yet contrary thought for the year ahead.

We need to move forward.

That’s it. Wherever you find yourself in life, there is room to move forward. That may be all the “new” you need. It may be all the “new” you can handle.

You may be saying to yourself, “Life isn’t that simple. You don’t know what I’m facing, or you just ‘don’t understand.'” I don’t want to presuppose or assume I’m aware of what’s in front of you. That wouldn’t be possible honestly.

The reason I want to suggest this notion is I find too many people who are stuck. It may be because of circumstances they’re facing or their general outlook on life and the status of the world. Instead of moving in any direction, people remain stagnant and inertia keeps them exactly where they are. The longer someone remains immobile, the less likely movement will occur at any time.

I plan to take my own advice. When I look at all that could be moving ahead at work, I get excited. There are so many ways to continue to integrate HR throughout the company so we can strive for performance as a whole. When I think about HR as an industry we have to move forward and not settle back into patterns that keep us on the “outside” looking in. We stepped up during the pandemic and now it’s time to move forward.

This doesn’t include how I’d like to see the relationships in my life also move forward. I’m looking forward to having quality time and experiences with my wife and adult kids throughout the year. Regularly connecting with my peers across the globe to make sure they know someone is always in their corner. I want to see them move forward as well in whatever is in front of them as an opportunity. Add to that some fantastic opportunities to speak and publish another book.

I’m not naive. I know there will be obstacles and challenges which will pop up. That’s no different than any other prior year. The difference is I won’t allow them to stop me from making progress.

I hope you feel this advice makes sense and is attainable for you. Yes, the year is new. Let’s make sure we all move forward and see what happens !!

The #HRCarnival – Shedding Light !!

I’ve been a big fan of the Carnival of HR for years. For those of you who are unfamiliar, each month people submit blog posts to share their thoughts and content for all to enjoy. Sometimes there are themes and other months are purely a curation of great HR blogs/articles.

As the host this month, I wanted to have a theme. When you look around the world, it can seem challenging, bleak, and unyielding. It feels like a cover of darkness is always trying to envelop all areas of life and work. I, however, have been someone who believes that people can shed light to make the darkness disperse. So, I asked people to chime in and contribute their perspectives on how they chose to do this. Enjoy the following submissions and make sure to reach out and connect with each of the authors.

Jared Narlock encourages us to recognize that we can make time for Courage, Grace and Kindness.

Jonathan Segal shows how a great distraction can give us much-needed balance. White Lotus: What’s Work Got to do with It?

Michelle Harte channels her inner Ed Sheeran and the power of supporting each other in Celestial (You Make Me Feel).

Nicole Roberts nudges us all to give back to others in the HR and Business space by Giving A Hand Up.

James Dean encourages people to make sure you’re choosing to watch and consume positive content with Shining a Light On . . . Social Media.

Jessica Beck shares a wonderful story about her Grandfather and the power of A Cool Drink on a Hot Day.

Mary Kaylor shares the good work of Jordan Quigley who she works with at Robert Half on the Search for Empathetic Leaders.

Meghan Brown has a truly uplifting post that shows us how we can Shine Bright This Holiday and Always.

Christie Engler talks about how much she enjoys gifts and wonders what gift(s) HR can give others in 2023 in Presents Are My Favorite.

Andrew Bull helps with the combination of reality and expectations of Team Performance.

John Baldino channels Sir Paul McCartney about the power of Coming Up – Joy at Work, Home and Within Self.

Jamie Bearse gives us a broader perspective by reminding us that HR Alone Can’t Create a Great Culture.

Steve Williamson asks us to consider we may have more impact than we think in Is Inspiration Your Secret Power?

Angie Redmon has put together a great set of approaches for HR leaders with End of Year Tips and Ideas.

Scott Leiper brings a ton of energy, creativity and a dash of Warren Zevon with Enjoy Every Sandwich.

Baskaran Ambavalan wraps up this Carnival with a fantastic list of suggestions for HR Priorities for Success in 2023.

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Thanks to everyone who participated in this final HR Carnival of 2022 !! Great work and great people.

I hope everyone in HR and the global HR Community chooses to be people who shed light next year every. single. day !!

All The Lights !!

I drive all the time. I’m in my car for a rather lengthy commute each day, and I go to our many pizzeria restaurants. I enjoy being in the car. It gives me a chance to think and enjoy music and podcasts, and I love getting out of my office to see people. I wish I could say that driving all the time was calming and not frustrating, but that wouldn’t be true. Like most people, I think every other person is not as good a driver as I am. That probably isn’t true because I’m sure I frustrate others too.

This Sunday I was heading to church early. It’s a simple, five to seven-minute drive all on roads that are a mix of residential and retail. To make the small drive you go through several traffic lights. On this day, I hit EVERY red light. Every. Single. One. There wasn’t an abundance of traffic around me to slow things down. It was just a matter of timing. I had left my house early enough that I wasn’t significantly delayed. Also, since I was going somewhere I enjoy, I wasn’t frustrated by the constant stop/start journey. I giggled after the fifth red light and knew it was just going to be one of “those” trips.

Hitting all of the red lights made me think about work. I know that may sound a bit odd but stick with me on this. As we start every day, we have the hope we’ll have a smooth trek with few obstacles. We yearn for the opportunity to dive into what’s in front of us with the desire to not experience any unexpected stops. It’s okay if we choose to stop, but we don’t want others to interrupt what we’re focusing on. Our ideal never occurs. Ever.

Each of us has the “commute” I had on Sunday morning. We hit every red light out there. They aren’t all in one line either. At times, red lights pop out of nowhere, but we still have to stop. When this is what we go through, we get frustrated. We don’t understand why there’s this endless series of starts and stops. We also think this is ONLY happening to us (just like other drivers are bad – not me.) The truth is the red lights are affecting the traffic of work throughout your organization.

Instead of having your blood pressure rise and your stress level increase, let’s look at those red lights differently. The reason traffic lights exist is they are meant to control the flow of traffic so everyone can move about safely. They may feel like they inhibit you from reaching your destination in a speedy manner, but they may have helped you avoid an accident you didn’t anticipate.

It’s okay to have starts and stops throughout your day. It gives you a chance to interact with others, seek context on what you’re doing, or be a resource for someone else. We won’t be able to have a seamless excursion during our work day. If we’re as integrated as we should be, then we should expect we’ll be in thick traffic all the time.

This week change your view on the red lights you’ll hit. See how they help you monitor the flow of what comes up. At each stop, take a breath and see what’s next. I’m sure you’ll start enjoying the pace you find yourself in so much more !!

Ch-ch-ch-Changes !!

I wanted to take my #AdventBlogs post submission and share it this week. I love all that Gary Cookson does with the series and hope you connect with him and all of the authors in the series !! You can find them on his site – Epic HR.

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The third day of our series and the first weekend post for us, and we continue to go big with our posts. So many people have told me that they are midway through writing a post that I know the series will be fantastic, though as of the time of writing (20 November) I only have a small number of posts in. By the time you read this, I’ll have plenty more, but there is still time to send your submission in if you are inspired by our theme or what you have read so far.

Today at home is another of our Christmas trips. Tonight, we are going on a magical Christmas boat trip across an enchanted lake (strangely, one I swim in during the summer) to visit the Elves and of course Santa Claus. Really looking forward to it – the kids are so excited, and we are definitely at peak Christmas this year.

Today’s post is from Steve Browne. Yes, THE Steve Browne. You are already connected with Steve on Twitter (@sbrownehr) and LinkedIn and probably on other social media – and to be honest, who isn’t? If you’re not, you should be. Steve has an online presence beyond almost all in HR, and whilst I could share a bio of his, it wouldn’t do him justice. He’s the Chief People Officer at LaRosa’s. Steve and I have interacted lots as part of the #HRPubQuiz community and he’s another I know well. He is one of the nicest people you’ll ever want to meet.

Over to Steve:

One of the top 10 highlights of my life was traveling to the UK with my wife Debbie in 2019. We relied on the connections I had made on social media to see the country through the experiences and eyes of my friends who lived in the UK. Each person we met was so comfortable and welcoming as if we’d been friends forever even though we had just really encountered each other in person for the first time.

We have fond memories of every interaction we had because we learned about some amazing humans and their lives. One of my personal highlights came when my dear friend, Michael Carty, traveled for hours by train to have a coffee, chat and walk through Soho. Michael and I are giant music freaks and have talked about various artists and songs for years. So, as we meandered through Soho he pointed out where Sir Paul McCartney had an office, where the band Oasis took pictures for an album cover and a phone booth.

What’s so unique about a phone booth in London ?? It was the location for the album cover of David Bowie’s essential album – The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars. I was gobsmacked !! (my fave learned term while in the UK.) David Bowie has always been a favourite artist of mine not only for his amazing catalogue of music but also for how he was a chameleon throughout his entire career.

Image from – https://soundgirls.org/ch-ch-ch-changes/

Bowie didn’t wait for change to affect him. He made change happen. He was ahead of his time so much so that he often made others around him uncomfortable. He wasn’t willing to follow the norms of artistry, rock and roll or image. He refused to be another musician who covered the songs of other artists in order to launch himself onto the scene. He was comfortable with who he was and set the standard he was going to express.

This is such a refreshing way to approach the reality of change. Too often we allow the circumstances of life to hit us first and we’re “forced” to react and respond. When change happens TO us, we resist. It’s natural and we don’t like it. When people say they enjoy change, I’m sceptical because few of us are as bold and intentional as Mr. Bowie was.

I’ve tried to be more like Bowie when it comes to changes in my life personally and professionally. I wasn’t like this when I started my career, but I certainly am now. When you choose to define the parameters of change around you, then it lights a path for others to see. They tend to embrace changes when they’re revealed to them first.

Let me give you an example.

I LOVE connecting with people and always have. I believe that each person I meet has something amazing and unique about them. This alone makes me want to learn who they are, what they believe and how they view life. It fascinates me. I have never been hesitant to reach out and see how we could get to know each other better. As a result, I’ve been able to develop relationships and friendships around the world. I know that this approach is not typical, and many people are reluctant to jump into any meaningful connection for a variety of reasons. No judgment and no expectations from my side on this. I’m well aware of how much of an outlier I am when it comes to this.

What keeps me grounded though, is that I am not a very comparative person. I want to know YOU for YOU and that’s it. I don’t look at any connection as someone to pit against another person in some illusion of ranking or placing one relationship ahead of another. This is unnerving for most because the norm is to judge, compare and decide if others are truly worth their time.

You see, every person is worth my time. Every. Single. One. That is the only facet in my life that never changes. Relationships, unfortunately, do change. People flow in and out of my life more than I wish they would. This may happen because of one misconstrued interaction, a difference in beliefs or the challenge of how we choose to use our time. Relationships take time. Invested time.

I’m bummed when people fade away from my life. It’s not a change I enjoy. I try to rekindle things hoping there are still embers willing to jump back to a burning flame. It happens in some instances, but not all the time. All things change when it comes to people in our lives.

My hope is this. I want people to know there is at least one person who’s willing to see them, listen to them, value them and learn from them on this planet – even if it’s for a brief moment or period of time. It’s my way of being Bowie. I choose to drive change when it comes to people.

So, if you see a tall, geeky person who is reaching out to get to know you, be calm. It’s my inner Ziggy willing to get to know you. It’s the ch-ch-ch-change I hope to see everyone embrace !!

I love reading Steve’s blogs, on his own site and his contributions to the #AdventBlogs series each year. He puts so much energy into his writing, and the creativity comes through each time. I like the theme he is exploring here though.

He is right to lament how relationships change. Sometimes they need to, sometimes they do without us wanting to. But they do change. He is also right though that there are some constants, even though our theme is “All things change” perhaps sometimes there are fixed points in time and space (to coin a Doctor Who phrase). Maybe Steve himself is one of those fixed points in time and space – he won’t change his belief that you are worth his time.

We see you too, Steve.

Till next time…

Gary

The Impression That I Get

We took the trek to Indianapolis once again to our daughter’s house for Thanksgiving. She wanted to host the gathering since it was her first one there. So, my wife and mom brought some dishes and we spent time enjoying each other’s company, some incredible food and tons of laughter. My family has never been very sedentary. If there’s a chance to get out and enjoy some activity, then we’re going to do it.

We piled into a car on Friday and drove out to Newfields and the Indianapolis Museum of Art to see the newest immersive “Monet & Friends” exhibit. We had seen the VanGogh experience a few years ago and were excited to see what this would entail. You enter a room and find yourself surrounded by flowing images of artwork covering the various walls and the floor !! There is a soundtrack that compliments the show and pulls you deeper into the artwork. It’s not possible to see everything that happens. You don’t really need to. It’s better to get lost and flow with the colors, images and sounds.

Interspersed with the famous works of the French Impressionists were descriptive slides to give you context about the time, society and culture these artists experienced. One of the slides which caught my attention described how radical this group was because they broke for the traditional art world. Most art, up to that point in time, had been more portrait driven. Artists depicted historical and religious figures and scenes. The paintings looked more like what we would consider pictures taken by a camera or phone. They’re beautiful but they lacked much variety. The impressionists chose to paint everyday life and “common” people.

Monet’s Water Lilies at the LUME Indianapolis

They looked at the world around them and captured the “impression” of the situation they personally observed. They also deviated from portraiture and created a new form of art using a full palette of colors and various levels of light. They didn’t consider the life moving around them as mundane. Everyday life had a purpose, and the artists wanted to make sure their canvas kept each moment in time perfectly frozen. The result of their efforts has made their work considered classic now.

As I stood enraptured in the ever-changing visuals, I wondered how many scenes have flown by me and I never even recognize they occurred. They didn’t warrant enough of my attention to warrant an impression. However, maybe they should have because I’m sure those scenes involved people. People who wanted to be seen, noticed, or acknowledged, and I was focused elsewhere. It doesn’t mean I was trying to be dismissive or ignore them, it’s just how we experience life.

I didn’t like that feeling whatsoever. If this small group of artists could stop in the midst of the bustle of Parisian life in order to put their brushes to canvas, why couldn’t I do the same? What’s keeping me from taking in the impressions happening all around and savoring them? Nothing. I can enjoy every situation if I just choose to.

I think this is a better approach to follow at home, at work, and with those whose paths we cross. Taking the time to enjoy the humans and the situations we find ourselves in gives life so much more fullness and depth. This coming week slow down, look around you and see what impressions are happening. Jump into them and put them on a “canvas” of memories. See how much each day becomes brighter and more purposeful !!

(To give you some initial inspiration here’s a great tune from the Mighty Mighty Bosstones !!)

Three Trips (at least)

I know I’ve been writing about the adventures of our daughter becoming a homeowner. It’s because I’ve always been someone who experiences and sees stories come from more of everyday life than life-altering shifts. Those monumental occurrences happen so rarely compared to the beauty of what we encounter daily.

A few weekends ago, my wife and I traveled to Indianapolis for the next project on the list. Melanie purchased her “new” home when it was only 105 years old. Seriously. This fabulous abode was built in 1917. As you can imagine, with age you find new opportunities to bring things into the modern day. This weekend we were tackling her bathroom. The walls and floor needed attention. I didn’t dare try my hand at plumbing because . . . I know better.

My wife was putting her incredible organizational prowess into action while Melanie and I focused on the bathroom. We thought our projects would be “simple” and that we’d knock them out with ease. As you all know, home improvement projects are never, ever easy !! Within moments we were making a trip to the hardware store for something we didn’t anticipate we’d need.

Let me digress for just a bit . . .

My father LOVED hardware stores. That’s not an exaggeration. They were his favorite places on the planet to visit. He was content roaming up and down the aisles whether he needed something or not. Every time he visited me, he was sure to lean over during the weekend visit and gently say, “Don’t you think we need something at the hardware store?” I’d agree and we’d jump in the car to visit either the local mom-and-pop store or one of the big box behemoths. I relished those walks through the hardware store with my dad. They were some of my favorite times with him.

Now back to the present . . .

My dad’s love for all things hardware had now been ingrained in me, and I’ve been doing my best to pass this on to my kids. It just so happens that there’s a local hardware store within a mile of Melanie’s house. It’s nondescript and when you see the storefront you’re not quite sure it’s even open. I told her that we just HAD to visit the store because I was sure it would have anything we needed. She stayed back with mom and I went out to explore.

As I entered Suding Hardware, my jaw hit the floor. One of the staff greeted me with “Hey, brother. How can I help you?” I knew I was in the right place. I told him we needed something to remove/kill mold, some finishing nails for paneling, and more of “these” as I held up a fastener. He walked me through the store which was an endless conglomeration of stuff from floor to ceiling. Of course, he knew what “these” meant as he found the bin for the fastener I needed.

When I returned to the house, I made sure my daughter knew about this gem so she had a local store to visit in addition to the big box stores which got plenty of our business as well. The rule of thumb is that you’ll visit the hardware store at least three times to complete any project. This came to fruition this weekend as we visited Suding’s and Lowe’s five times. We needed to make these trips because each time we found a new component to make sure our project was a success. The trips were worthwhile and our “simple” project was finished in a mere 22 hours over two days.

I’m not complaining. This was the effort needed. The many hardware trips reminded me of work and how we choose to face obstacles sure to occur. We can either throw up our hands in exasperation bemoaning why we need to make ANOTHER trip to get more supplies, or we can embrace the chance to be better equipped. If we chose to look at adding additional trips to the business “store,” we’d understand and value that more people bring in new thoughts, perspectives, and energy.

Each project will require different involvement and unique skills. We can’t keep thinking everything we need only resides in the few people who are assigned to the tasks at hand. There’s bound to be someone who wants to greet you warmly and lead you to the part you needed that was missing.

This week make three trips (at least) to those outside your project circle and do some shopping. I’m sure you’ll find the perfect items to bring your projects to life.

The Avoidance Box

I have a fantastic men’s group !! We meet weekly and I’m sure to get many takeaways from our time together. This week, my dear friend Larry gave me a true nugget.

We were talking about behavior and things that make us uncomfortable when he said, “Oh when that happens I put it in the avoidance box.” I stopped all of the other conversations going on around the table. “What? What is an avoidance box?” I asked.

“You know. It’s the place you use when you’d rather avoid something instead of facing it. We all have one,” he replied.

I told him, “I’m keeping that one !!” – and here we are. His phrase made me pause and reflect wondering if I had, or used, an avoidance box. The more I thought about it, I do. I’m also positive that this storage place is used by everyone around me. Please note, I don’t believe this is a “right or wrong” situation. We all avoid things. We may avoid interactions, situations, or circumstances for safety. We assess the potential risks and then decide whether to jump in or let it pass.

There are also people we avoid. This avoidance is more challenging for me to accept because I see every person as someone to learn from. We know people avoid each other because we see it at work, in families, and in social interactions. There are myriad reasons why we justify steering clear of others. It’s a shame but it’s also a reality.

Many people go through the majority of their day practicing tactical avoidance. They limit interactions with others because there’s an innate assumption that each conversation will involve something negative. It may mean more work. It may be the feeling that they won’t truly listen or consider your idea/feedback. You may have also had a time in the past when an interaction didn’t go well with that person so you assume it will happen again.

Add to all of these voices of doubt the unpredictability of the emotions of the people involved. You may be having a great day when someone else isn’t. Or, the opposite may be true. We keep trying to fool ourselves that emotions aren’t present when we talk to others because we’re focusing on the task in front of us. Emotions lead. Always. We can’t turn them off.

So, is an avoidance box a great tool? It depends.

There may be a time for you to step aside and address something in the future. It may help emotions balance or reduce potential risk. There’s value in buying time. If this is the case, the avoidance box should be used on rare occasions instead of it being a primary practice.

There is far more value in having encounters and interactions with people than avoiding them. I’d venture to say that 90% of those occurrences are productive and positive. The negative voices are rarely right. Sure, there’s that 10% of people who will be difficult regardless of the situation. That’s a small percentage we should keep in its place and step into that 90% which should go well.

This week look into the closet and see how full your avoidance box is. See if it needs to be emptied a bit and pull out those items you should tackle. You don’t have to empty it completely, but see what you can do to clear it out a bit. You’ll be glad you did !!